


The Villainous Life

by EsculentEvil



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crimes & Criminals, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mature Jokes/Puns/Situations, Metafiction, Scooby Doo References, Screenplay/Script Format, Super Sanity, Surprise Kissing, psychotic breaks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-10-08 05:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 13,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17380148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EsculentEvil/pseuds/EsculentEvil
Summary: A series following the lives of Batman's Rogues.Focuses mostly on Joker and Harley as friends.Features many hints to BatJokes/BruJokes.Connects to some of my other works.Originally posted to my Tumblr @esculentevil





	1. The Black Death (Coffee)

**Joker:**  [groans tiredly while shuffling towards his hideout's breakfast nook; finds his favorite seat and sits heavily on it; groans again after burying his face in his folded arms and realizing his makeup is now smudged to super hot fudge] Gimme Black Death, Har.

**Harley Quinn:**  [gasps dramatically] Ya want the PLAGUE, Mista J?!

**Joker:**  [groans loudly and wonders why their puns never quite cross hairs]

**Riddler:**  [rolling his eyes as he sits beside Joker] He meant COFFEE, Harlot.

**Harley Quinn:**  [blinks as a light-bulb literally turns on inside her eyes] Oooh...

**Joker:**  [sighs and wonders why such an obtuse person is his best friend forever; realizes Batman's obtuse, too, and that he has a tendency to grow attached to obtuse people; pales as he sees the hidden truth in that; questions  **everything** ] ... Fungus.

**Harley and Riddler:**  ?

**Joker:**  [stands abruptly and masks his panic with crazy] Let’s go kill somebody!

**Penguin:**  [steps in with his penguin army] Yes, let’s.


	2. Wrangling the Batmobile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker loves the Batmoblie so he tries to steal it; things turn out a little better than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: Joker has a psychotic break in this and Harley is wicked at handeling it. Also by reading this you are an accessory to stealing Batman's car; just saying. Ehehe!

**Harley:** [peering around a corner] Puddin’… I love ya, but I don’t think this is a good idea…

 **Joker:** [grinning and giggling through his teeth as he stands behind her and contemplates his lock picking kit] Of course it’s not, Harl! [somehow grins even wider at her] It’s a WICKED idea~

 **Harley:** [fights the urge to facepalm as that would be out of character _and Joker’s on the brink enough as it is…_ ]

 **Joker:** Now! [nudges her] Are they inside?

 **Harley:** [peers around the corner again; nods] Yea; the coast is clear.

 **Joker:** [squeals excitedly] O, _jolly_! [claps with a gleeful grin before shifting into a more menacing demeanor] Let’s go wrangle us a Batmobile.

 **Harley:** [nods, determined but nervous]

[Harley Quinn and The Joker sneak out of the alleyway that's beside the building Batman and Robin are currently in (they're trying to defuse a bomb that the two villains set) and make their way, silently, to the crime fighters’ unique car.]

 **Joker:** [giddy] Oooo~ Here it is! [turns to his accomplice] Are you ready, kid?

 **Harley:** [nods eagerly, glancing behind her to make sure the crime fighting duo aren’t already done with their bomb; grins widely once their chance is confirmed] All the ready!

 **Joker:** [giggles manically and jimmies the lock while sniggering over the fact that the Police Commissioner is named Jimmy, too; _who cares if it's spelt wrong?!_ ]

 **Harley:** [keeps an eye out for the dynamic duo]

 **Joker:** [unlocks the Batmobile with a cry of success] It’s mine! [watches the machine’s hood lift up with starry eyes and, probably, the biggest grin of his life]

 **Harley:** [much less starry eyed but still enthusiastic] Alright! [raises her hand for a high-five]

 **Joker:** [grabs her hand and tosses her into the passenger seat] Let’s go! [hops into the driver’s side— **Batman's** side—and then shivers in pure joy]

 **Batman:** [bellowing from a third story window] JOKER!

 **Joker and Harley:** [turn towards the Bat’s voice; Joker grins; Harley squeaks]

 **Joker:** [presses the start button and winks as the hood comes down] Hi~ Batsy~

[Harley squeals—in fear or excitement, Joker can’t tell—as he steps on the gas petal and zooms off onto the street; they appear to be heading downtown]

 **Batman:** [scowls and pulls out his grappling gun]

 **Robin:** [sighs and shakes his head] I’ll wait for Gordon.

 **Batman:** [nods at Robin before shooting the hook and soaring after the loons]

* * *

[Joker and Harley zoom down the streets of Gotham, laughing and cheering; music is blasting off one of their CDs, fast food is everywhere, and soda cans are in the cup holders; they both know Batman would flip if he saw it; they grin]

 **Joker:** What should we share with the dear next, Har?

 **Harley:** [thinks; lights up with an idea] CANDY! **  
**

 **Joker:** [grins] Yes! [makes a sharp turn]

 **Batman:** [lands heavily on the Batmobile’s hood]

 **Joker and Harley:** [groan]

 **Joker:** [putting the petal to the metal] Try and show a guy’s ride a good time and THIS is how he thanks you! Really!

 **Harley:** [almost amused—almost] Turn again! Maybe we can shake ‘im off!

[Joker nods and makes a sharp left; they barrel down the street, towards the pier, fully intending to throw their batty menace into the bay]

 **Harley:** [screams as the window shatters and Batman climbs inside] Puddin’!!!

 **Joker:** SHIT!

[The Batmobile screeches as it makes a sharp right]

 **Joker:** [drives along the docks; glances nervously at his stoic hero; tries to ignore the fact that his psychopathy is showing very **very**  badly] Well—since you’re now here—why don’t we let YOU decide which candy to share, hmm~?

 **Batman:** Stop the car.

 **Joker:** O, come on, Bats!

 **Batman:** Stop. Now.

 **Harley:** [silently wonders why Batman doesn’t just force Joker to stop; takes a deep breath and then jams her elbow forcefully into the large man’s ribs]

 **Batman:** Ugh! 

[Joker blinks, surprised, as Harley slips into the back with Batman following her; he drives, confused by the turn of events, until a candy store catches his eye; he cold-stops the Batmobile and laughs hysterically when Batman and Harley both end up flung into the windshield]

 **Batman and Harley:**  [groaning quietly in pain]

 **Joker:** [sniggers, then grins] We’re here~!

 **Batman:** [stares incredulously at Joker]

 **Harley:** [sighs, knowing what happened, and nods before slapping on a smile] Candy Time!

[Joker nods and hops out of the Batmobile, shocking Batman, before skipping off into the store; Harley tries to follow him but is withheld by Batman]

 **Batman:** What just happened.

 **Harley:** [sighs; pushes him off; tries to climb out] We just got out of Arkham—

 **Batman:** I know that; that’s not what I’m asking.

 **Harley:** [stops to glare at him] And **that** ’s not what **I’m** sayin—! [calms suddenly; sighs before shifting from foot to foot uneasily while trying to explain] They drugged him somethin’ fierce, Batman. He’s still high on whatever they shot 'im up with and I didn’t have the time to look up his records before getting him out.

 **Batman:** [surprised and a bit alarmed] … what…?

 **Harley:** [ignores his question] Until those drugs—whatever they were—are outta 'is system, it’s not healthy for 'im to take his meds: that would just ADD to the shit in 'is veins. [she watches as Joker speaks cheerfully to a terrified Candy Time worker while pointing at candies he instinctually knows the Crew will like] Until then… [she turns back to Batman, obviously scared but just as obviously willing to stay with the Joker through anything] He’s suffering a psychotic break.

[Batman stares, his wide eyes hidden by his cowl; he has no idea what to say]

 **Harley:** [nods grimly; then smiles as Joker steps outside] Wha'cha get, Puddin’?

 **Joker:** [grinning madly] I have no idea! [laughs hysterically]

[Harley nods while Batman gives the air of a person lost]

 **Joker:** [notices Batman as though he hadn’t been there since the pier] O, Batsy! Is that new ink? Love the detailing, darling~! [grins flirtatiously before frowning] Wait… Am I supposed to be running from you?

 **Batman:** … [quickly pulls himself out of his shocked state] Did you steal those?

 **Joker:** [glances at the bags of candy in his arms] … No? [looks slightly unsure as he eyes the wallet in his hand: it’s that ballistic yellow you'd expect of a smiley face so it must be his—but it doesn’t have his jester symbol so it must not be]

 **Batman:** … [nods] Good. Go home.

[Harley and Joker look up at Batman in surprise before breaking into bright grins; Batman almost regrets the sick feeling he gets in his stomach at the sight of them; instead, he marvels at how beautiful they are and the joy he sees in them while telling himself _this is why being morally gray is okay_ ; and, when he turns his back on the two mad people while making his way to the Batmobile, he feels validated by the fact that neither Harley nor Joker try to re-steal the Bat’s vehicle]

* * *

~~[Epilogue]~~

[Robin waves as Batman returns to the bomb site]

 **Robin:** Where’s the Joker? And Harley?

 **Batman:** Wherever they call home.

 **Robin:** [raises a brow, widening the left eyepiece of his mask at the same time, in a very amused way] Not Arkham Asylum?

 **Batman:** [frowns warningly at Robin]

 **Robin:** [grins and lifts his arms in a sign of surrender]

 **Batman:** [sighs and shakes his head; looks around the building to check how things are fairing; nods at Gordon who gestures:  _everything is fine_ ;  _I'm handling it_ ; turns back to Robin with a resolute, if wary, expression] Let’s go home, too.

 **Robin:** [grins and nods] Yea! [waves at the Commissioner before following Batman out to the Batmobile; gapes at the mess the two criminals left behind for them to clean up; stares incredulously at Batman with a knowing glint hidden behind his mask] You just let them go home after doing THIS? I’d be grounded!

 **Batman:** [smirks because he can’t help it] Joker’s not my son.

 **Robin:** [raises a brow] And Harley?

 **Batman:** Already has her hands full.

 **Robin:** [appears confused at that one but shrugs it off] I still think your _other half_ shouldn’t be let off so easily.

 **Batman:** [eyes Robin in response to his diction] … I’ll get him back next time.

 **Robin:** [snorts while hopping into the Batmobile’s passenger seat and grabbing an uneaten cheese burger] _Get him back_? Just marry him, man. [smirks at him] Then he'll always be yours.

 **Batman:** [chokes on the soda he’d started drinking] ROBIN!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea, Dick ships BatJokes; not really because he likes it but because he's watched them dance around each other practically his whole life and he's never been one to lie to anybody—not even himself. At least, that's how I see it.


	3. Affectionate Insults

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably why villains shouldn't live together... It's so much fun to do though...

**Riddler:**  [peering into the hideout's kitchen] Have you seen the Pigeon?

**Joker:**  [giggling while watching an egg fry--he's not the one cooking it, though] He's in the oven.

**Riddler:**  [sarcastically] Ha ha, very funny. [very obviously rolling his eyes] I meant that I need to talk to him.

**Harley:**  [the one cooking the egg] What about, Rider?

**Riddler:**  It's RIDDLER! [irritated; sighs] And I need to talk to him about one of his penguins.

**Joker:**  [sniggers because he knows Harley likes to mess up the Riddler's name as retribution for the insulting nickname "Harlot"] Why: did it poop on you? [laughs hysterically]

[Riddler growls as Harley giggles]

**Riddler:**  No, you Christmas Colored April Fool's Reject! [huffs] One of them stole my mask. [crosses his arms]

[Harley and Joker turn to see if that's true; laugh when they realize it is]

**Joker:**  [cackling] O, Wordy boy! If  **I**  am an April Fool's reject!  **You** must be a Saint PATRICK'S DAY REJECT! HA HA HA!

**Harley:**  [shuts off the stove and laughs like a hyena] Good one, Mista J!

**Joker:**  [still cackling] Why thank you~ hahaha Dear!

**Riddler:**  [red-faced and fuming] SHUT UP you damn MIMES!

[the hideout goes eerily silent]

**Joker:**  [disturbingly calm] Mimes?

**Harley:**  ... [enraged] WHO THE DRAMA YOU CALLIN' A MIME, Ya Overgrown Leprechaun!?

[Riddler gets a pie and then a hammer to the face for his ingenious funny]

* * *

 

~~[Epilogue]~~

[camera pans on Bud and Lou taking turns chewing on the Riddler's mask]


	4. Reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly? I just wanted Joker to have one of those cliche “girl moments” where he’s upset with his “boyfriend” for not doing something instead of being upset that he did something wrong.

**Joker:**  [sitting in front of his hideout's TV, scowling]

**Harley:**  [worriedly sitting beside him] ... Puddin'? Is somethin' wrong?

**Joker:**  [grits his teeth] Batman.

[Harley blinks in confusion as her bestie and patient sinks into his side of the couch]

**Harley:**  Batman?

**Joker:**  Batman.

**Harley:**  ... What'd 'e do?

**Joker:**  [furious; enraged; bolts up from his sinking to sit aggressively before the TV and Harley] Nothing!

**Harley:**  [cants her head in confusion] Then why ya mad at 'im?

**Joker:**  [growls] Because I broke out of Arkham—AGAIN—to see him and the DINGBAT doesn't even have the decency to be waiting for me?!

[Joker shakes with fury before falling back into the couch; his expression is that of rare desolance and it worries Harleen immensely]

**Joker:**  I try and I try—over and over again—to keep our relationship alive... [dejected] Why doesn't he try, too?

**Harley:**  ... [unsure] Maybe he doesn't know how to?

**Joker:**  [upset] He seems to know just fine with those birds of his. Even the she-bat I almost killed.

**Harley:**  [slowly nods—it's true, after all] ... [eyes the Joker's sad face and wishes she could just slap it off like a theater mask; she loves his smile and she wants it back] ... [perks up slightly and snaps her fingers to show that she got an idea (and to get the Joker's attention)] I know! Let's blow something up!

**Joker:**  [slowly raises a brow in disbelief] How in the Hells will THAT help me?

**Harley:**  [deflates slightly for a moment before reflating with a giant grin—a harlequin grin] It'll break up the monotony! Maybe Batman just didn't notice because it's almost NORMAL for you to get out of Arkham. [sees Joker slowly brightening and pats herself on the back while continuing] He needs something bigger—something BETTER—than some old-hat escapist act!

**Joker:**  [ecstatic and charged; stands up with a wild grin] Let's go blow up ol' Hathcock~

**Harley:**  [cheers because her Puddin's back] Yea!

* * *

 

**~~Epilogue:~~ **

[Neither Harley nor Joker ever thought that the real reason Batman left the clown alone that day was not because he didn't care but because he cared too much: Batman didn't want to go after the other unless he was healthy and whole and at his best and most beautiful; plus, Batman is always willing to wait for his J-bird.]


	5. My Devious Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story (thought of afterwards, of course) behind _[The Joker ♦](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/167861485107/the-joker-i-wanted-to-draw-joker-in-drag-but)_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning(s)** : crossdressing, gender fluidity/gender fluid character, angst, self image issues, self esteem issues, social anxiety, **Joker’s an emotional wreck**  
>  **Note(s)** : After drawing, inking, and posting _The Joker ♦_ , I ended up (seriously amazed at the likes and reblogs it got; thank you guys so much!) showing the drawing to a friend of mine (in real life... side note: me and this friend are planning to cosplay as Joker and Harley! So stoked!) and explaining why I drew it. I transformed that explanation into this because I liked it and thought it’d be fun. Hope you all like it, too! Also, this was supposed to be done yesterday but I was sleeping off allergies; sorry.  
>  **Edit** : Now with [~~self-~~ fanart](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/168478523545/my-devious-girls-finally-got-around-to-drawing); so you can see—to the best of my drawing ability—their looks!

When the Joker wakes, it is with a rare frown.

His skin itches as though there is something unpleasant upon it. His hair feels too coarse even though he  **knows**  it’s as soft as it was yesterday. His ears feel empty and his clothes too loose. His nails are too plain—even if logic dictates to him that they’ll be under his gloves soon enough anyway—and the thought of wearing any of his suits makes him  **very**  uncomfortable.

(Guess today’s one of  **those**  days...)

He sighs heavily, rare frown still in place, and drags himself out of bed with a shiver. The way his loose tank and boxers drag and shift over his skin makes him cringe and, as he makes his way to the bathroom, the Joker quickly strips off the offending articles to do away with the unpleasant sensations. A strong desire to just burn the offending things hits him; but, alas, they only get thrown in the hamper as, he knows, this feeling will only last the day.

By tomorrow, he’ll  **want**  the bagginess.

Groaning again, the Joker glances at himself in the mirror and flinches: he’s a man. Now, the Joker already knows this, of course, as he’s been in his body for over thirty years; but today is one of  **those**  days and he can’t help but feel it’s wrong. His chest is too flat, his torso isn’t curvy enough, and his adam’s apple is so  **ugly**.

His entire body is a mess of weird angles and awomanhood that makes him want to tear his skin off and  **fix**  everything that’s inside.

He pushes aside this feeling and sets to work.

* * *

 

By the time Harley knocks on his bathroom door, the Joker is showered, dried, and fretting over how to  **fix**  himself without  **damaging**  himself, too.

It’s been well over an hour and he still isn’t satisfied—still isn’t unflinching. His hair is a disaster, his make-up is everywhere, and his eyes are brimming with tears because he’s a  **wreck**  and he can’t  **FIX**  IT. He wants to cry out his frustration, rage over how much  **better**  Harley looks in the same dramatic thing she wears every day, and  **break**  something (Maybe my ugly face—it’s acid-burnt anyway.) until it’s as freaked up as he is.

Instead, he just looks at his best friend and tries not to sob.

Harley smiles gently at him, almost psychiatrically, and approaches him after entering and closing the door. There’s a warm glow in her eyes that keeps him from remembering she’s really his doctor, Harleen, and it eases his stress enough that he’s no longer on the brink of a mental break down—never mind an emotional one.

And people wonder why he keeps her.

“Today one of those days?” she asks, already knowing the answer: it’s kind of written all over his face in giant, bold print—a bat could probably see it, it’s that obvious. She takes hold of his trembling hand—a byproduct of his anxiety or the fact that he hasn’t taken his meds yet—and removes the bright red lipstick he usually uses when putting on his face.

He just nods and lets her help him.

And help him she does: she combs out his hair, mists it with oil, and styles it so that it’s silky and slightly curlier than normal; she applies his foundation, blush, eyeliner (green like his hair), and shadow (deep purple and flaring up to his temples like wings) before using a darker red for his lips than he’s used to and drawing on eyebrows to compensate for his lack of body hair; she fills his empty ears with purple diamond suit earrings as a finishing touch.

He relaxes slightly as his face no longer looks wrong.

Harley smiles at him before dragging him out of the bathroom and pulling him into his walk-in closet. There, she rummages around in the left section—where he keeps his feminine clothing—while he watches. Eventually, she finds a lovely, off-the-shoulder, fishtail-style dress that matches his eyeshadow and was designed for the very purpose of clinging to his subtle curves and thus enhancing them beautifully.

He grins.

Finally.

* * *

 

Once Joker is dressed, they paint his nails orange and drape a thick, green shawl over his arms to help keep him warm; after that, it’s Harley’s turn.

They decide to keep her colors, rather than have her match his, while making their way to her room. They pass Chuckles on route and Joker grins as his left hand man whistles appreciatively at him— ~~Batman~~  society might reject this side of him but his own people never will (It’s the major point of keeping them around~).

(The minor would be amusement.)

The rummage through Harley’s closet takes a bit longer but, eventually, they agree on a very appealing red pinup. Looking like it came straight out of the 50′s (Ah, the good ol’ days—wait... Opps! Sorry: that’s a different Joker.), its bright body is covered in black diamond suits and secured by a four-inch, black corset to cinch her waist. A white petticoat adds flare and fluff to the knee-length outfit and matches the thick, white fur coat she dons for some warmth of her own.

After donning matching white heels—and getting some more catcalls—they leave the happy hideout and hit the streets.

Their laughter echos in their wake.

* * *

 

To their joy, no one seems to really recognize them.

Without her signature outfit, Harley’s favorite colors don’t really equate to the Joker’s sidekick. Add to that the fact that her hat’s off and her blonde hair is out for everyone to see (In an equally haunting, 50′s inspired, pin up girl’s hair-do, no less!) and it becomes pretty obvious why no one connects the diamonds.

In the case of Joker: he legitimately looks like a short-haired woman.

The two spend their time doing surprisingly innocent things. They go window shopping, buy hot chocolate and apple cider (Gotta love these autumn months!), eat cake, and laugh—a lot. They try on clothes, shoplift a little (What? Those were hot pumps!), and dance in Grant Park after leaving the Fashion District.

It’s not until they step their feet into the Diamond District, however, that they realize they’re being followed.

Initially, they figured it was just a goon of their friend, the Penguin, whom is the major reason they switched gears (The minor would be that it’s getting late and dancing at a friend’s bar would be more ideal than a stranger’s.). When the sound of a grappling hook graces Joker’s pierced ears, however, the two share a confused look. Harley checks her phone for the time as Joker dials the Penguin.

They probably won’t be going to The Iceberg Lounge after all.

Harley’s just confirmed that it  **is**  a reasonable time for their bat-themed vigilante to be out and about when aforementioned Kevlar-wearing civilian drops down behind them. The girls share another look—this time, they’re worried.

This is for two different reasons, of course—no matter how much they connect.

Harley is concerned that the following interaction won’t be good or healthy for her friend and patient. While most of the city’s underworld is well aware and accepting of Joker’s eccentricities, almost all of Gotham’s overworld is not—either of those things. And, although both facets view the green-haired menace as a criminal mastermind, it is only the former that upholds respect for the purple-dressed villain regardless of what form that purple outfit takes.

If Batman truly is a member of the overworld, he won’t react well to the Joker in drag.

This wouldn’t really be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that Joker is thoroughly obsessed with the vigilante and, whether he realizes it or not, completely in love with him, too. Any negative reaction from the Bat would do nothing but send the elder into a spiraling depression—both mentally and emotionally—and cause him to go on a city-wide killing spree in the hopes of elevating, or at least masking, his pain (the result of which would just be more rejection).

In the same vein, Joker’s worried Batman won’t think he’s at least pretty.

Regardless of what either of them are thinking, they both turn as one to lock gazes with the approaching icon and await his verdict; and, boy, do they get it. Harley watches in amusement and relief as Batman’s jaw seems to unhinge from shock; and Joker watches in wary fascination as his— **his** —bat recognizes him with an air of heated appreciation.

Batman just tries to get his shot mind to work as the beauty before him smiles.

"Hi, Batsy~”


	6. Word Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t ship RiddleJokes but, I thought that, since they’re both villains centered around words, they’d likely get into ridiculous arguments over puns and semantics. Plus, I like them like this.

[I think they’re fighting over a chair in the hideout, but I really don’t know; feel free to comment!] 

**Joker:**  I'm gonna eat your seat!

 **Riddler:**  ... My seat as in my ass or what I'm sitting on?

 **Joker:**  ... Aren't you sitting on your ass?

 **Riddler:**  ...

 **Joker:**  ...

 **Riddler:**  ... Fuck.

 **Joker:**  [smirking] O, I can do that, too.


	7. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this one may have gotten a little out of hand; but I had a lot of fun writing it and I kind of like it WAY too much to change it so... Yea; basically: Joker and his crew are decorating for New Years while supervised by the Dynamic Duo with some BatJokes and HarIvy (hinted) thrown in. Includes the theme of TVL6 (but you don’t need to read that to get this); features a Jealous!Bat. Enjoy?

**Joker:**  You couldn't wear a bit of  **red** , could you?

**Riddler:**  YOU might be fine clashing colors, Joker, but  **I**  am far above that.

**Joker:**  [narrows his eyes] I am not CLASHING colors,  **Verbose** : I'm CONTRASTING them.  **Do**  try to get your words right~ [grins wickedly] Our games won't be any  **fun** ~ if you PLAY THE  **FOOL**.

**Riddler:**  [gritting his teeth] As if I'd ever steal YOUR role,  **Knave**.

**Joker:**  [twitches] O, please; you'd never last on  **my**  stage.

[The two continue like this while decorating the hideout together for New Years; Harley Quinn is with them—also helping—as is Poison Ivy, Two-Face, the Penguin, and—strangely—the Dynamic Duo; but they're mostly there for safety.]

**Batman:**  [observing the casually bantering duo across the room with a deep frown] ... [turns to Harley who is packing away Christmas ornaments with Ivy] Are they—[points at Joker and Riddler]—normally like this? [looks very put off]

**Harley:**  [glances from the man in black to the men in color; she listens to them go from  _the holidays are a time for GAY ATTIRE!_  to  _I'm not GAY!_  before smiling] Yup. [she turns back to the Bat and blinks at his dark frown; she then giggles] Why? Ya jealous? [sniggers and grins mischievously] Throw on some purple, Batman; Mista' J'd be all over ya after that~!

**Batman:**  [fighting a blush] That is  **not** why I asked.

**Ivy:**  [amused and fully supportive of the grin currently lighting up Harley's face] Really? You expect us to believe  **that**? [scuffs] Batman, I—of all people—know a jealous man when I see one. [smirks] And I’m looking right at  **you**.

**Batman:**  [growls; defensive] I am  **not** jealous.

**Robin:**  [petting Bud and Lou; nonchalant] You seem pretty jealous to me.

**Batman:**  [slighted] Robin! [flushes under his cowl as Robin smirks up at him]

**Joker:**  Huuuuuuuuuu~ [slides up to the commotion, getting enthusiastic hugs from Bud and Lou in the process] What's this? TROUBLE in the Dynamic Duo? Ooooo~!  **Do** tell~

**Robin:**  [before Batman can deny anything] I'll tell you if you stop stealing Bud and Lou.

**Batman:**  WHAT??

**Joker:**  Birdie, please; I can't steal what's mine. [signals the two hyenas to pounce on Robin anyway] Now, talk.

**Robin:**  Ah! [yelps as he pounced on; laughs] Batman's jealous of Riddler!

**Batman:**  I am NOT!

**Joker:**  What? [blinks at Robin before staring curiously at the Bat] What ever for, darling?

**Riddler:**  [joining them] See? Batman thinks my attire is fine! And perfectly suitable for the holidays!

**Joker:**  [scuffs] As if Ba _t_ man would ever be jealous of all that  **vomit**. [glares at said attire; puts his hands on his hips with a huff] And the only way  **that**  suit is perfect for the holidays is if you let us decorate you like a CHRISTMAS TREE!

**Harley:**  Christmas is over, Puddin'.

**Joker:**  [huffy groan] I  **know**  tha _t_!

**Riddler:**  I am  **not**  a tree.

**Joker:**  [throws up his arms in frustration] Of course you aren't! If you WERE a tree, Plant Lady over there would be humping YOUR seat and not my Harley!

**Ivy:**  [looks repulsed] Eww!  **No**!

**Joker:**  [sniggers at her reaction and Riddler’s equally offended face]

**Harley:**  [“oblivious”] We should'a done that, though. He'd a made a great tree!

**Joker:**  [grins and drapes an arm over Harley's shoulders] Why thank you, dear~ Always appreciate the support.

**Harley:**  [giggles; kisses Joker's cheek] Any time, Pudd'!

[Batman relaxes, thinking they've forgotten the accusation]

**Joker:**  [grins a bit wider at Harley—thankful he has her—before turning that grotesque grin on the Bat]  **So** ~ [sniggers through his teeth] You're jealous~?

**Batman:**  [tenses again]

**Joker:**  [leers and purrs] Over ME? [giggles coyly]  **Really** ~?

**Batman:**  [stoic; trying not to blush  ~~harder~~ ; guarded] No.

**Joker:**  [squeals] O, Batsy~! [pounces on the Bat, followed by Bud and Lou whom assume their mama's playing a game]

**Batman:**  [horrified; then annoyed; growls at the hyenas]

**Bud and Lou:**  [growl back; wag their tails; lick their new dad's face]

**Batman:**  [pissed]

**Joker:**  [giggles] I think they just adopted you.

**Batman:**  What? [looks very confused]

**Robin:**  Cool; that means I now have siblings! [smirks deviously] Finally.

**Batman:**  WHAT? [horrified (again)]

**Joker:**  Haha-hoo! Yes! That's exactly what it means! [pauses] O, wait... Wouldn't that also mean...? [thinks about it; slowly blushes; eyes light up as the realization sinks in] Oooo~! [reaches over and giddily kisses  ~~his new husband~~  the Bat]

**Batman:**  [sputters; acts disgusted, like some gross taste is now in his mouth] What was THAT for? [glaring harshly]

**Joker:**  [pouts; pulls away; tries not to show that hurt] ... [shrugs sheepishly] Hee hee... You may now kiss the bride?

**Batman:**  [blank faced] What?

**Riddler:**  Wouldn't it be the other way around?

**Joker:**  [looks up; appears to forget about the Bat; focuses on Riddler/his words] ?

**Batman:**  [growls lowly at being ignored—for RIDDLER, no less]

**Riddler:**  [smirks] Well, surely YOU would be the BRIDE.

**Joker:**  ! [surprised; blushes softly; seems both flattered and embarrassed; could honestly be called  **shy** right now] You... Think I'd look good in a wedding dress?

**Riddler:**  [pauses; realizes what this question means to the Joker; swallows heavily and sweats nervously before smirking with all the confidence he can pull out of his aces; nods firmly] Yes.

[Joker beams, vivid and vibrant, at Riddler's answer; looks, for all the world, like he'll cry from joy; Batman looks like he wants to rip off Riddler's face and burn it]

**Robin:**  [glances from Batman's face to Harley and Ivy] ... [trying VERY hard to NOT laugh like his new siblings] ...! [has to cover his mouth in order to succeed]

**Harley:**  [also trying; fails miserably; giggles loudly with glittering eyes]

**Ivy:**  [not even trying; sniggering instead] Even the SON sees it.

**Robin:**  Kinda hard to miss. [clears his throat before shrugging and grinning] Been seeing it for years, really.

**Ivy:**  That long? [honestly surprised; originally thought Harley was just seeing things; realizes she needs to put more faith in her girl’s observation skills]

**Harley:**  RIGHT?! [giddy now that she knows it wasn't just her] Your daddy is SOOOOO possessive! [puts her hands on her hips in a similar fashion to Joker; appears a little more childish than he did but just as huffy and assertive] He's VERY lucky Mista' J's inta that kinda thing! O! [grins and snaps her fingers] In fact! [looks at the Bat and then points at him] Don't give 'im a ring at tha weddin'!

**Joker and Batman:**  WHAT?!

**Joker:**  W-why not?! [looks horrified and hurt]

**Batman:**  What wedding?! I'm not marrying THIS! [points at Joker with a furious and thoroughly disgusted expression, as though the other is literally garbage]

**Joker:**  [looks even more hurt]

**Harley:**  [frowns at Batman; narrows her eyes very sharply and hammers a threatening look at the Bat when Joker turns to look heart-brokenly at his other half] Be **cause**... [grins brightly and joyfully when Joker turns back around to look hopefully at her] He'd MUCH prefer a black leathered collar—with an opal! Those are his favorite.

**Ivy:**  Really? [surprised; thought someone like the Joker would go for the big bucks and blood buffets tacked onto things like type IIb diamonds]

**Harley:**  [nods knowingly with a grin] Yup! He likes the colors!

**Ivy, Riddler, Robin:**  Oooooh!

**Bud and Lou:**  [snigger in agreement]

**Two-Face:**  [back with the Penguin from a decor store they robed in the Fashion District for the upcoming occasion; confused] Why's there lipstick on Batman?

[Everyone looks and sees Joker left a kiss mark on the Bat]

**Batman:**  [blushes heavily in embarrassment] I...!

**Joker:**  [grins proudly while blushing] I kissed my husband!

**Batman:**  What?! [completely red-faced; sputters numerous denials at Dent]

**Ivy:**  [laughs and shakes her head] Men.

**Harley:**  [ignores the flailing bat] Yo, Penguin! We're gonna need ta start weddin' plannin'! [grins at the plump man; waves at the bird peering out from behind him]

**Penguin:**  [stares, very deadpan] ... [sighs; rolls his eyes; nods] Sure.

**Robin:**  [sniggers; is so ready to be done with all the lies, obliviousness, chases, double entendres, and long nights of lost sleep due to denial; also wants a mom] Sweet.

**Two-Face:**  [facepalms] Unbelievable.

**Riddler:**  [sighs] Let's just finish decorating.

**Joker:**  Yes! [leaps up, invigorated]

[Harley, Bud, and Lou chase after him, happy too]

[The others follow as Robin stays and watches over the still sputtering Bat] 


	8. Ketchup Soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set in _The Lego Batman Movie_ universe.

**Joker:**  Hnn... I think I'm feeling tomato soup today.   
**Harley:**  Sure thing, Mista' J'! I'll—!   
**Condiment King:**  I got it!   
[Everyone in the Hideout watches in surprise as Condiment King races over to their leader and his chair, arm raised]   
**Joker:**  Wha— [is silenced by copious amounts of KETCHUP]   
**Condiment King:**  [grins, proud] There you go!   
**Joker:**  ... [covered in ketchup; twitching]   
**Everyone else:**  ... [backing away slowly]   
**Joker:**  ... [in a surprisingly deep growl] Conni...   
**Condiment King:**  [happy/hopeful] Yes~?   
**Joker:**  [glares] Why didn't you warn me to open my mouth?!


	9. Creeper Correction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a crossover than a reference but it's not like that's never happened before [COUGH _[Scooby Doo meets Batman (1972)](http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Scooby-Doo_Meets_Batman) COUGH]._

**[?]:**  [strange mix of a growl and a groan]  _Creeper…_

 **Harley:**  [strange mix of excited and scared] Mista' J'! He’s back!

 **Joker:**  [not so strange mix of annoyed and exasperated] Who is?

 **[?]:**  [still a mix of growling and groaning]  _Creeper…_

 **Harley:**  [still a mix of scared and excited] He is!

 **Joker:**  [still a mix of annoyed and exasperated] Harley…

 **[?]:**  [louder]  _Creeper…!_

 **Harley:**  [loudly] Aaaaaa!

 **Joker:**  [laissez-faire] That’s not…

[Creeper from Scooby Doo hobbles in]

 **Joker:**  [sighs] The right Creeper. 

 **Harley:**  [blinks] … o.

 **Creeper Doo:**   _Creeper…_


	10. Sharing is Progress

[Joker and Scarecrow are making caramel on a Bunsen burner. Harley and Ivy are in the Hideout’s kitchen with them. All four are covered in sugar due to a quick saccharine battle. Bud and Lou are asleep. The Bat and Bird crash in.]

**Robin** : Nobody move! This is a stick up! [has always wanted to make that joke]

**Harley** : Aaaa? [frowns] How can it be a stick up if we’re not allowed to move?

**Ivy** : [facepalms]

**Robin** : What? No. I… [deflates because the joke wasn’t got]

**Joker** : Hnnn… [got the joke but way too amused by the turn of events to show it] Can we at least wave our hands like we just don’t care?

**Scarecrow** : [exasperated] Must you quote that?

**Joker** : Of course! [cue “smirk of bad puns”:] Hark the Cameo forever more~

**Harley** : [cackles] Good One, Mista J!

**Batman** : [sweatdrops; notices they’re in the kitchen] What’re you even doing?

**Joker** : [perks up at not being beaten up (yet); grins widely and lifts his whisk] We’re making caramel!

**Robin** : [perks up] Caramel?

**Harley** : [nods] Yea! Mista’ J’ convinced Mista’ Crow ta come ova’ with Bunsen burners an’ everything! [points enthusiastically at the portable devices by her]

**Ivy** : [finally stops facepalming; sighs] I’m just here for Harley. And the sweets. (But only if SHE makes them; I do NOT trust these freaks.)

**Joker and Scarecrow** : (Hey!)

**Harley** : [sweatdrops]

**Batman** : [approaches; eyes the burner; watches the beige foam he finds warily]

**Joker** : [sees the Bat’s expression; rolls his eyes] It’s just sugar, Batsy.

**Robin** : [peering into the burner] I can have some, too, right?

**Joker** : [amused; then alarmed at the strange warmth building in him at the idea of feeding his love’s technical son something  **he**  made] ... [blushes] Sure...

**Robin** : [beams] Alright! [watches the beige bubbling substance eagerly]

**Batman** : [unsure how to feel about this] ... Why are you using Bunsen burners?

**Joker** : O! We, uh— [laughs sheepishly] Blew up our stove? [points at it]

**Batman** : [eyes the charred mess in the villains’ kitchen] ... [sighs ( _Hopeless._ )]

**Scarecrow** : Hey! Stir it! Before it burns!

**Harley** : Ah! Right! [jumps; grabs the cooking brush near her and does as told]

**Ivy** : You don’t have to yell at her!

**Scarecrow** : I don’t have to help her, either.

[Joker sweatdrops as Scarecrow and Ivy get into an argument over the proper treatment of other villains (which somehow turns into  _how to properly treat Ivy’s girl_ ); Harley ignores them while showing a curious Robin how to do the stirring]

**Batman** : Do you need a new stove?

**Joker** : [blinks up at him; nods slowly] Probably... [glances at the caramel] ... More sugar, too.

**Batman** : [reaches out and wipes some granules off of Joker’s cheek] About that; why, exactly, are you covered in this stuff?

**Joker** : ...! [flushes at the feeling of the Bat’s glove on him with **out**  violence] O! W-we, uh [chuckles sheepishly], had a  _War of Sweets_  kind of thing...

**Batman** : ... [deadpan:] You made a sugar bomb, didn’t you.

**Joker, Scarecrow, Harley, and Ivy** : [grinning] Yup!

**Batman** : [facepalms; wonders why he allows things like this]

**Robin** : Hey, it’s brown! [points at the mass in the burner] That means it’s ready?

**The “Adults”** : [peer at the substance]

**Substance** : [bubbles]

**Joker** : It said  _yes_.

**Batman and Robin** : [both cant their brow at the same time] “Said”?

**Harley** : [quickly, so they don’t linger on Joker’s psychopathy:] Alright! Let’s eat!

[Robin cheers and helps Ivy get the dishes; Harley grabs some apples at the child’s insistance so the snack is a  **little**  more healthy; Scarecrow dishes it out]

**Joker** : [to Batman as they stand away from the others] So... a  _stick up_?

**Batman** : ...  ~~[blushing under the cowl]~~  More like a check up.

**Joker** : [confused] Like a doctor’s visit?

**Batman** : [stares] ... [glances away; sighs and glances back; shakes his head] No; like a... resolution.

[Joker turns red as he remembers their [New Years](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/169029479578/the-villainous-life-7) together; he then stuffs his face with caramel to hide how embarrassingly  **happy**  he now is; Batman smiles]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How’s everyone’s New Year’s Resolution going? The Bat’s is looking surprisingly good!


	11. Happy Batday!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joker finds out the Bat’s Birthday and uses it to confess something important while hoping it’ll get a very special message across (and get him just a little closer to his Bat).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning(s)** : None (other than lots of angst, D+ psychology on my part [sorry Harley!], even more fluff, references to canon typical violence as well as my own canon/continuity which might lead to OOCness [due to head canons I’ve shared and previously shown character development] and a lot of confusion because you might need to be familiar with my Joking Mirrors series and head canons in order to understand some things [like who _Lead_ is, Joker and Harley’s very platonic relationship (which is explained a bit here), and how Joker knows/sees half the things he does])
> 
>  **Note(s)** : All of that being said: I’m sorry for all the links that show up in this one paragraph under the cut; Joker does a lot of reminiscing in this fic and I wanted to make sure that no one was confused (You can ignore them, obviously, but it _does_ lend **background** if you’re new.). Also: this fic was originally going to be just BatJokes, but I realized when I sat to write it out that there’s no real way Joker would understand that he can’t just blow things up and expect Batman to get his hidden point all on his own; I needed a way to guide him to that point and that way was Harleen; thus, this fic ended up as a mesh of my normal 90′s BatJokes continuity and The Villainous Life. Lastly, without spoiling anything: the photo referenced is NOT REAL OR CANON; it’s just something I thought of—a plot device, really—to add depth to Martha and Thomas Wayne.

“Harley!!!”

Harleen Quinzel, now known as the Joker’s sidekick Harley Quinn, looks up in confusion as the doors of her patient’s hideout are thrown open with fervor. She double checks that she has all his medications in stock as the slight man makes a bee-line for her. If anyone else were around, even the Joker’s closest and oldest and most trusted Henches, she might be worried about the fact that she’s been lounging in his favorite armchair all afternoon; since it’s just them, however, she simply scoots over so he can settle in beside her.

To be fair: she’d have never been in the chair to begin with if others were there.

“What’s wrong, Mista’ J’?” Harleen asks curiously, careful to keep any alarm or anxiety out of her voice. The Joker is a very reactive person and it is never wise to lend him emotions that won’t help you survive. “Where’s tha fire?” she carries on as her patient grabs the remote from her and changes the channel on the TV.

“There!” Joker cries as he points to the news footage he’s pulled up.

Harleen calmly watches as the anchor on screen talks about Bruce Wayne. She raises a brow while lowering the other one and glances at her patient with a light touch of incredulity. Her voice is only confused when she speaks, though, “Why’re we watchin’ this, Pud’?”

Joker looks at her in exasperation, “Read the scroll, Har!”

 _The scroll_ , of course, is that line of text at the bottom of the screen which carries the most prominent headline according to the current media. Tonight’s reads:  _Birthday Bash at Wayne Manor, February 19 th!_ 

Harleen blinks, “Birthday? Who’s—?”

“Batman’s!”

* * *

It takes a while, but—eventually—Harleen gets Joker to stop bouncing off walls.

He’s still ridiculously excited, of course. His whole body is brimming with joy and his grin is abnormally wide—even for him. His eyes are what concern her, though: they’re alight with pain-filled plots and maddening mischief; they look like little vats of chemical waste rather than just the color of acid.

She swallows, “Uh... Pud’? What’a ya plannin?”

Joker pauses mid-giggle to look at her incredulously [again]. One of his hairless brows lift and he seems to not only huff but also pout. He appears to be disappointed in her but she has no idea why that might be. Then he answers: “I’m planning a  **present**  for him, Harley.”

“Ah...” of course; that’s why he was disappointed (It  **was**  obvious.).

Joker nods, satisfied that they’re now on the same page, and giggles manically as he rubs his hands together. “O, yes!” he states with glee, “A present for dear ol’ Batsy~! Ou~hu~hu~! How big do you think the bomb should be?”

At that, Harleen pauses.

Joker watches her expectantly and then curiously when she doesn’t respond. But as the minutes stretch into further silence, his expression slowly deflates, “Har?” The woman in question barely flinches. She’s staring—at him, he realizes—with one of the most contemplative expressions he’s ever seen. He’s not really sure what it means, but he  **has**  seen it before.

During therapy.

It’s that spine chilling, stomach clenching, seriously creepy look she only gives him when she’s  **dissecting**  him. (Never let it be said that this woman is at all harmless...) He swallows thickly before realizing there’s conflict in her eyes, too, as though she isn’t even sure she wants to be thinking what she is. And that’s bad—very bad—because his psychiatrist  **never**  doubts herself (That’s why I  **have**  her, for drama’s sake!) unless... (She thinks she’s missing something?).

What’s there to miss, though?

“Why?” Harleen eventually asks him, voice perfectly passive and poised. She’s in control and Joker can’t help but really hate these dramatically randomtherapy sessions of theirs. “Why do you want to get him a gift? And why now?”

Her gaze leaves no room for arguments; they’re having this session NOW.

Joker groans and sinks into his chair. He tries to seek comfort in it like she always suggests but it only works when Harleen moves so he can have the entire seat; and  **that**  only means he’s trapped with her towering over him. Anxiety crawls up his back; but then she’s kneeling before him and the chair.

And suddenly he can  **breathe**.

Harleen crosses her arms over her knees and balances most of her weight on her heels. Her expectant eyes never waver nor do they change and Joker fidgets under their heavy weight. He forces himself to think about her question[s]—which are, at this point, distractions—and not the fact that he doesn’t want to answer them or even think about them.

This is why he  **has**  Harley, for drama’s sake.

So why  **does**  he want to get the Bat a gift? And why  **now**  of all times? These are, admittedly, really good questions; and, honestly, they should be easy to answer—but they aren’t. Why does he want to get the Bat a gift? Because he does and everyone else is. Why now of all times? It’s as good a time as any!

Deflecting.

That is what Harleen would say and he  **knows**  it—anticipates it—and this is why he’s so quiet. He knows his easy answers won’t be accepted and he, therefore, doesn’t bother with them; but, at the same time, his hard answers are... well, they’re hard. Hard to think up, hard to admit to, hard to face off. He doesn’t want to speak the real answers—real reasons/real whys—because...

He’s scared.

And he isn’t even sure  **why**. Harleen  **knows**  about his feelings—she knew about them long before  **he**  did—and has helped him through them several times before. He doesn’t know why this is so different; he doesn’t get why it’s so hard.

And yet he does, “I want to make him happy...”

Harleen nods patiently and rests a hand on his left knee. The warmth of her palm reminds him that she’s there—for him—and supportive. She isn’t critiquing him or judging him; she’s helping. He tries to remember that [remembers how they first met—the  **real**  story of the drugged candy (First chewy caramels and then gummy bears after I told her I liked them better—and that they’d mask the taste more than the squares with the sedatives gushing out into my mouth.] from the little blonde spitfire with genuine eyes—and how they got to this point (So much dramatic struggling...)] and fortify himself with it.

He’s still so scared.

He breathes deeply, counting out the heartbeat thrumming gently through his psychiatrist’s hand. He resists the urge to touch her—if only her fingers—because he’s just not ready for that (Reaching out is  **hard** , okay???). Instead, he closes his eyes and swallows thickly again. Why does he want to do this now?

“I think...”

He considers what’s happened recently: how his [over](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/167122084116/batjokes-pretty-in-pink) [the top](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/167125444184/batjokes-touch-me) [flirting ](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/167355340055/batjokes-sweet-knight)has [actually](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/167981519579/the-villainous-life-5) [been](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/168991808938/batjokes-knock-knock-whowhats-that) [acknowledged](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/168495402588/batjokesbrujokes-the-why-of) [and](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/168105473410/batjokes-healing-humor), [in some cases](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/167896886730/batjokes-baby-its-cold-outside), [very](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/168599166676/batjokes-sensitive) [reciprocated](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/169914617962/batjokes-unexpected); how he has begun ([Baby steps, baby steps](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/167442996957/batjokes-baby-games)!) [to get along with Robin](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/170712370623/the-villainous-life-10); how [he kissed (I tried!)](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/170676845756/batjokes-head-canon-5) and then was [kissed by (So sweet; like ice cream!) the Bat at the start of winter](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/168038614451/batjokes-ice) and started to see things changing; how [his Bat wore his colors](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/169534914721/batjokes-purple) and [he his Bat’s](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/170604367793/batjokes-black-blue-and-yellow); how [they spent New Years together like a real, growing family](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/169029479578/the-villainous-life-7); how the other seems to finally be [willing to  **listen**  to him](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/169066984728/i-am-all-that-i-am-deranged-murderous), for once, and [see things](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/170899345527/i-wanted-to-make-the-world-laugh-and-then-i) [as he wants him to](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/170863785731/you-still-dont-get-it-do-you-it-doesnt-mater). Joker doesn’t want any of this to change (Unless we’re talking about even more improvement.); worse, he doesn’t want to  **loose**  all that he’s managed to gain.

And that’s what’s  ~~scaring~~  terrifying him.

Birthdays are important. They’re the day you let the person you love (In what-ever way. Love has many forms; even a loon like me knows that.) know that you’re  **happy**  and  **glad**  they’re alive and well. And Joker wants to do that—badly—but he has no idea  **how**. He understands, now, that that’s what Harleen is trying to tell him: he has no idea how to show his joy of Batman in a way that the Bat would actually  **appreciate and understand**.

It’s taken him so long—decades—to get this man to even believe his flirtations are real; the last thing he wants is to ruin all of that with miscommunication.

But it’s important—so important—that this happen now. That he show how he feels about Batman’s  **life**  right after they’ve begun to truly  **share**  it. Batman isn’t just throwing him away, anymore: he’s carrying him; guiding him; walking with him. It’s not much and it still lands him in Arkham most days; but it’s something.

It’s enough that Joker can  **be with**  Batman  **without**  ending up rotting in his cell.

And he wants to  **keep that** ; he wants it to continue so badly that his eyes sting and his lungs burn while his whole body feels cold (Rare, ever since the vat.). He wants whatever it is building between them to get bigger and better and even more beautiful than it already is (What? I’ve always been a selfish bit!).

And there’s only one way to make that happen.

“I think I need to let him know that  **I know**.” He swallows thickly yet again as he watches Harleen. His throat is tight and dry as she studies him and he almost sobs with relief when she offers him a smile; he’s doing good! She nods, further cementing his victory, and he tries not to squeal: he’s so happy! He’s on the right track; he can make this work; he can  **do this**  sane stuff!

At least... somewhat: “By blowin’ up tha city he loves so much?”

Joker finally reaches out and grips that hand because—drama—he needs it.

* * *

It takes a while—days—but, eventually, they formulate a plan.

Blowing up anything will not only cost him the Bat but also invoke his ire; he’s come to understand that. Blowing things up also won’t get his message across; he’s almost embarrassed he ever thought that. But blowing things up is what he’s best at—these are his fireworks—and if he doesn’t have that...

How is he supposed to celebrate???

The answer, oddly, was in the newspaper. While  ~~stalking~~  studying his vigilante, the Joker and Harley noticed that Bruce Wayne is, in part, obsessed with his family. Now, this isn’t all that shocking—to anyone that knows either version, the man is clearly a family oriented one—however, that obviousness is usually only in the case of his kid, Robin/Richard Grayson.

Far less obvious is his obsession with his parents (Or lack there of.).

To vast majority of the world—and, for a time, to the devious duo, too—Bruce Wayne is well over his parents’ death. To many, he has moved on. To only a few, however, it is clear that he never got over the pain and abandonment.

He still struggles with it every day.

And this is what leads the two villains to break into the  _Gotham Gazette_  at 2 o’clock in the morning: the knowledge that Bruce Wayne—Batman—is still looking for any and all connections to his lost parents.

* * *

It’s actually rather funny.

Had any of the events in the past few months happened earlier, Joker could have done this years ago—easily. Why? Simple: he’d seen the photograph decades ago. That annoyingly quaint little photo of a pair of teens on a date. They were standing outside of a movie theater—the same one Joker had seen when scoping out his new play area—and smiling so...  **happily**.

It had made him twitch.

It wasn’t even that he was jealous or angry or disgusted or anything like that; he was actually quite apathetic to it. No: the problem was that it was  **burned into his retinas**  and  **he didn’t know why**.

Now he does.

(Hurray for the Joker’s Singularity... I should talk to Lead.)

* * *

It takes nearly an hour to find it again.

Harley and Joker are both positive this is simply because the photo is so  **old**. There’s no real reason to print it anymore and why no one else bothered to think of handing the faded print to the billionaire (Or even extorting him for it—Hey! Now  **there** ’s an ide—wait, no, nono **no** , it’s  **not**. Birthday gift; remember that!) is beyond both of them; but when they finally uproot the thing, they can’t complain.

Now... “How do we get it to ‘im?”

“I’ll mail it for you,” a deep voice echos around them like the darkness of a cave. They turn to see the birthday boy himself stalking towards them from the shadows, “After I put you back in Arkham.” Harley chuckles nervously as Joker swallows thickly (I’d say again, but it’s the first time today—it IS 3 A.M., after all.); neither of them are really sure what to say—or do—other than back away.

(This... isn’t going according to plan...); not that things usually do with Batman.

As Robin comes in from behind the Bat and aims to take down Harley Quinn, Joker backs away farther and clutches the photo tighter. He watches as his vigilante draws nearer and Harley back-flips and cartwheels away from them all to give him and the Bat some space to talk (Thank you; fizz—what would I do without you, ‘Toon?), taking Robin with her. Then Batman is in front of him.

They stare each other down.

The Bat, of course, is victorious and Joker shifts nervously as he looks away. Harley dodging a round-house kick catches his attention—but only briefly—before it’s pulled back by a midnight colored glove. The Batman holds his hand out for the photograph—probably intending to do as he promised—and...

The Joker can only stare at it.

He’s marveling, really. This looks like something he’s always wanted: Batman extending his hand for him to take; but that  **isn’t**  what this is and it’s  **hurting**. Joker deflates and hesitates and looks, for all the world, like he’s finally  **lost**. Then the photograph is in Batman’s—Bruce Wayne’s—hand and he looks at it.

The birthday boy gasps.

Across the room, the Boy Wonder turns and assumes the worst. He’s about to run over and kick some more clown butt when Harleen quickly shushes him. The novelty of the moment is enough to quiet him and keep him still.

Batman/Bruce is still staring at the photo.

Joker shifts nervously again. He gazes up at his hero and tries to understand his reaction. He wasn’t really expecting the other man to be happy, exactly; but he also wasn’t expecting him to, well, not react entirely. It’s like he just made a bomb and it didn’t go off. (Should I defuse him? How do I even do that???)

(Why are humans so hard?)

Not able to handle the mess he’s gotten himself into, Joker glances at Harley to signal to her that it’s time to just run and go. Before she can react to it, however, the Bat finally speaks; it’s not really what he was expecting to hear, either: “Joker... Are these... my parents?”

Joker’s pathetic excuse for a heart (Some useless blot of ink that refuses to dry inside my layers of lines, plethora of panels, and cacophony of computer color.) clenches inside his chest: he’s never heard his Bat so...  **fragile**  before.

He grits his teeth and tries not to move his feet; he’s pretty sure a spook isn’t what Batman would want right now. Instead, he just nods and whispers, “Yes.”

The building returns to silence after that.

Robin looks extremely confused from his spot beside Harley and Joker is having a very hard time not being thankful that the child’s just letting this happen: the Boy Wonder’s protective streak is about as deep as Batman’s and for him to even allow this moment at all... (Baby steps,) he reminds himself, (Baby steps.) and turns his gaze back to the Bat.

His inhale comes out as a whimper and his voice barely comes through his suddenly tight throat, but he still manages to get out: “Happy Birthday.”

Batman just stares.

* * *

Joker’s not sure how long they stand there.

Robin’s jaw has long since fallen to the ground and been picked up by Harley Quinn. Batman’s surprised gaze hasn’t really left his clown’s face. And Joker’s...

Joker’s still terrified.

This non-reaction is not what he was anticipating, at all: he expected incredulity, anger, suspicion, and enough doubt to match his own; blowing up a building—regardless of how hindering it might have been to his end-goal—suddenly seems like the wisest way to go. And he really wishes he had just done that.

Anything to not have to look into those beautiful blue eyes that he shouldn’t even be able to see and  **not**  have the understanding he so desperately needs staring back at him.

Because he honestly has no idea how to explain himself here.

* * *

Eventually, Batman/Bruce speaks up again, “How long have you known?”

His voice is strained and Joker’s own throat aches in response to it. He doesn’t let it show, though. Instead, he shrugs and looks away—embarrassed somehow, “Decades. Since the beginning. I... When I saw your eyes for the first—and then second—time. I just... I knew. You were you.”

Batman’s silent for a long time again; then: “Why are you only now telling me?”

“Because I—” Joker chokes on his own spit. His throat slams closed and his eyes go wide. His hands shake and his whole body trembles. (O  **Jive** , I can’t do this!) He shakes his head and backs away from the Bat but only ends up ramming himself into the series of file cabinets behind him.

The cabinets the photo came from.

All of a sudden, Harleen is at his side and her hand is in his, warm and solid and divine. He squeezes her limb so hard her heartbeat throbs into him and he can  **breathe**. Robin trails behind her, somewhat recognizing the moment for the panic attack that it was, and appears honestly worried.

Joker has no idea what to do with this knowledge.

“Com’ on, Mista’ J’,” Harleen quietly encourages, “We talked about ‘dis. You can do it!” She smiles and squeezes his hand back and he’s suddenly reminded of how much stronger she is than he. (Thank Jive she shares it.) So he just agrees.

(But...)

( **How**?)

* * *

It takes him a long time.

Honestly, he isn’t sure if it’s the wording or the cowardice that held him back to begin with, but—eventually—he gets there. In the time this takes, however, some surprising things happen: for starters, the cops don’t show up and Joker isn’t sure if that’s because Batman called them off or never told them to begin with (And I’m not really sure which is better...); to continue, Robin actually joins him and Harleen by taking Joker’s other hand—and, as odd as this development is, Joker finds himself immensely grateful for the added support and proof that he  **is**  getting along with his love’s child (And, fizz, it’s so hard to believe but that makes me  **happy** ; ugh!); to finish... Batman/Bruce has softened.

It’s minute but, honestly, it makes all the difference.

And it reminds him of his reason well enough for him to articulate it.

* * *

“I love you.

“I’ve always loved you. Since the day I met you and realized you were everything I wasn’t and everything I was unknowingly looking for and everything I  **wanted** , I’ve loved you. And I do—want you. Still; always; forever. But...

“For a time, I didn’t want  **all**  of you..

“When I first saw Bruce Wayne... He sickened me. He made me  **angry**. I wanted to punch his face so badly because he—he was  **ruining**  you for me. You’re supposed to be my other half—that’s why I love you—but he was...

“He was making that impossible for me.

“He was clumsy and silly and goofy and—and—too much like  **me**! And then he was  **nothing**  like me  **OR**  you because he... He sleeps with people. Literally: people! He—with almost anybody!

“Almost; he’d never sleep with me.

“He’s... He’s heartless, Batsy; nothing like you whom pours his heart and soul into everything—even your fists. He goes between people like a cruel dancer and ignores me like a ghost; I  **hate** d him.

“Hate **d**.

“I... I realized, recently, d-due to all the time we’ve... we’ve spent... together~ that... He  **is**  you, and you  **are**  him; because I  **see**  him in you—in your eyes and your little smiles; and I see you in  **him**  when he’s charity campaigning and hosting half-way houses and smiling at school children. And I don’t  **like**  it—I don’t like knowing that you’ve... done  **things**  with other people. But... I like him.

“Because he’s you.

“He’s a different side of you. One that laughs and smiles and plays pranks on people just like I have a side of me that’s quiet and broody and thinks  **way**  too much. He’s the you that flirts when I’m the me that’s shy.

“And I want that.

“I want  **you** — **all**  of you—and... I can only have that if you know... that I know.”

* * *

Everything is silent.

Joker would swear he’s gone deaf if it weren’t for the ringing and breathing in his ears. Robin is still holding his hand and he’s pretty sure that’s a good sign. What isn’t is the Bat’s frozen form and Harleen’s even colder eyes.

She really has grown protective of him [although, he still doesn’t know  **why** ; he had always expected her to grow to hate him like every other Gothamite].

Harley’s inches away from bashing her iconic mallet into the Bat’s face when the vigilante finally moves. And Joker’s almost soothed by that: the fact that his hero is in  **action** again (And I can  **pun**  again~!). Almost; because this could very well mean his whole plan is about to blow up in his soon-to-be-beaten face (Hey, at least I gained Nightwing’s favor; things will be much easier for Harley, now...).

What ends up happening is probably the farthest from what he anticipated but he isn’t complaining—at ALL.

“Bruce Wayne can’t just drop his playboy mannerisms over night.” The mallet is swung and the Bat dodges; the harlequin growls and tries again while the clown and child look on. “The press would have a field day—and not the kind I like.”

There’s more swinging and dodging while Joker and Robin share a look; the villain has no idea why the sidekick isn’t stopping things or at least letting go of his hand, but he’s glad for the proof that the bird apparently trusts them both.

“It would take time—a lot of time.” Batman/Bruce ducks and rolls this time so he ends up before his clown, “And it’s not something Bruce can do alone.” Behind him, Harleen finally sets down the giant hammer. She, instead, stands there and watches him—studies him—before leaning casually against the handle of her mallet; regardless of how, she seems to understand where he’s going with this and is willing to trust he won’t mess it up. (If only I had that confidence...)

And so the Bat carries on, “He’ll need a partner: someone that’s capable of entering his life and changing it completely without really changing it at all; someone that can change him—for the better—by strengthening all his best quirks; someone that can show him what love really is and fill all the gaps and holes he’s been struggling so much with.

“In other words, Joker: Bruce Wayne needs a lover and it can’t be  **you** ; so, if you can stomach it, show me this other face of yours and let’s finally complete each other as we were always meant to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for [one of] Bruce Wayne’s birthday[s]. To clarify about the photo: I thought it’d be cool and multidimensional if, rather than being flat “Bruce Wayne’s parents”, Martha and Thomas are actual people that were both selfish and selfless, both beautiful and blind, both helping and harming; the reason they were at that theater the night they died wasn’t just to inject money into a dying part of the city but also just to remember and share with their son one of their memories.


	12. Flirting with a Frenemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could be read as RiddleJokes if you’re into that but shipping them isn’t my intention; I just tend to envision them as two intelligent men that often grate on each others’ nerves and end up being total frenemies to each other. I like Joker as a flirter [as in he flirts with everyone, not just Harley and the Bat] because I think it’s a core piece of his personality [which can be seen in his [interactions](http://joker-ka.tumblr.com/post/164666878629/kiss-me-no-justice-league-action-best) [with](https://aprilgtomlinson.tumblr.com/post/168355351736/trying-to-talk-yourself-out-of-your-new-crush) [Lex](https://aprilgtomlinson.tumblr.com/post/163302649026/one-of-those-really-jock-like-hetero-squeezes) [Luthor](http://joker-ka.tumblr.com/post/163711511684/salvation-run-7) and [Solomon Grundy](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/171047650520/and-as-he-blushed-he-also-smiled-sniggers)]; but I also like the idea of Riddler being [non-homophobicly] uncomfortable with his flirtations and Joker ramping it up to get a laugh out of it.

[Camera pans on The Joker’s current Ha-Hacienda: a warehouse in East End. Joker sits within it dressed in his usual attire. It’s late in the afternoon and he’s draining the milk from his cereal when his Hyenas perk up; a text from his guard-Hench, Giggles, confirms that someone is coming to visit him. The Joker grins.]

_Knock Knock!_

**Joker** : [sniggers] Who’s there?

**Riddler** : I’m gonna strangle you!

**Joker** : [laughing; making his way to the door] I’m gonna strangle you who?

**Riddler** : Joker!!!

**Joker** : [laughing harder; opening the door] But I’m right here, Clueless~

[Riddler glares up at the purple-clad clown before pushing him aside and shoving his way inside. Joker, who’d normally be insulted or miffed at this, laughs even more and allows the thoroughly soaked man his rude entrance.]

**Joker** : [sniggering] How’s the weather?

**Riddler** : [glares darkly at the other wordsmith before purposely dropping his sopping jacket on Joker’s precious, cliche-evil-villain-must-have armchair]

**Joker** : [pouts, hiding the annoyed twitch of his upper lip] Well, no need to bring in your storm cloud, Mr. Blues. [smirks and perks up as he sees Bud and Lou mischievously grab the green jacket off the chair and play tug-of-war with it]

**Riddler** : I’m not—HEY! [tries to get the jacket back from the clown’s hyena; fails]

**Joker** : [watching Bud and Lou run off with the dripping jacket; grinning deviously] You know... [slowly struts over to Riddler while observing him with amused eyes] You actually... [stops right beside the other villain, just a little too close] look... [traces his index finger gently across the seam of the shorter man’s shoulder; allows his voice to drop into a playful, rolling purr]  _really_  good in black~

**Riddler** : [stares; horrified]

**Joker** : [trying not to laugh in the other’s face (Ah~ Revenge is sweet~)] But... [slides in even closer] I think... [trails his hand across Riddler’s chest] you need... [begins to unbutton Riddler’s shirt] To lose the clothes, Crossword~

**Riddler** : [flabbergasted; brain literally melting out of his ears; confused as fizz] Wh-wha...?

**Joker** : [sniggers; feels like his revenge is complete; pulls away] You’re soaked, Ed. [making his way to the room he picked for himself when he and his crew moved in] Undress before you catch a cold. [starts rummaging in his wardrobe]

**Riddler** : [gapping; flushed; still confused as fizz]

* * *

 

~~**Epilogue** :~~

[Somewhere in the Ha-Hacienda, Bud and Lou are tearing Riddler’s jacket apart]


	13. Comforting Clowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Ivy have a spat; Joker’s there for her; Batman is too; then he’s there for Joker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Strongly advise Harley/Ivy shippers to avoid this one: Ivy is not depicted in a positive light here and this chapter actually points to a small flaw I see in the idea of Harley and Ivy ever being together.
> 
> I think it's important for me to point out here that while this is a series that often portrays Harley and Ivy as romantically inclined, I don't actually ship them. I recognize that most people do and respect that; but I ship Harley with Nightwing/Dick Grayson. The reason for this will be explored better in a later installment (if you're willing to read that) but, for now, I just feel like Dick has more respect for Harley than Ivy does because Ivy constantly treats Harley like she's some kind of weak little girl, a damsel in distress, a VICTIM; Dick, however, trusts Harley's judgment and doesn't try to impose his own thoughts/ideas about things on her; and, out of the two of them, I think Dick's approach is what Harley deserves in a partner, not Ivy's.
> 
> But, again: Ivy is not shown positively in this one so if you like her or ship HarlIvy, do not read this chapter.

“And what if I want kids, huh?! What then?!”

“Harley, if you want them to call you mommy too–”

“I don’t want PLANTS for kids!”

SLAP!

* * *

The door to the Ha-Hacienda slams open and shut.

From his spot on the couch, the Joker doesn’t bother to get up. Bud and Lou run to greet their mom while their mama flicks through the channels for something to watch. There’s the news, but they weren’t active today (’Cause Harley had a date.); there’s a soap on, but he’s not in the mood (And I’m sure she isn’t either...); there’s a rom-com that might work, but Joker’s tempted to skip it for a cartoon (She won’t mind, right~?). He never gets the chance to.

Harley stands, shaking and silently sobbing, between him and the TV.

Joker drops the remote.

* * *

Joker’s not sure what he should be doing.

Harley’s the one with the psychology degree; she’s also the one with the humanity. Joker doesn’t come equipped with any of that  **and**  he’s a sociopath.

(What am I supposed to  **do**??)

He tries to do everything he knows  **she**  would do: wipe the tears, bundle them up, let them cuddle the pups, give them a steaming cup... Harley always lets him talk it out, guiding him to what the problem is and what he should do about it; or maybe it’s just a case of him needing to vent—unleash his frustrations.

Joker looks helplessly at Harley.

She doesn’t say much.

* * *

Joker remembers he once saw people sobbing into ice cream.

It had been on the TV and he’d asked Harley if it was real.

She then explained to him the meaning of  _comfort food_.

She said hers was ramen noodles.

* * *

This is the reason Batman finds the two of them eating it at 3 in the morning.

The Ha-Hacienda’s door kick open and close behind him. Robin is apparently handing Poison Ivy over to the authorities. Harley’s silent against Joker’s arm, eating the ramen like a robot. Bud and Lou are at her feet, whining comfortingly.

The Bat walks cautiously over.

“What happened,” he asks gruffly, eyes taking a concerned hue as they alight on Harley. Joker shrugs—the shoulder away from Harley—and shakes his head.

“I have no idea.”

Batman looks at him oddly, seeming to think that strange, before reality seems to dawn on him and he nods. He’s silent as he takes a seat in the space next to Harley. He makes sure he doesn’t disturb Bud and Lou at her feet.

He reaches out to her.

Then she’s sobbing onto his shoulder.

* * *

When Harely’s asleep, Joker’s still trying to understand her sobbed out speech.

He hands Batman the last cup of ramen before slumping into his seat. He stares blankly at the snowy screen while he eats. Batman just watches him.

“... why aren’t Bud and Lou good enough?” he eventually asks the masked man.

His counterpart doesn’t seem to really have an answer. But he’s Batman; he still tries: “I think it’s just always been Harley’s dream to raise kids they way she wishes she’d been raised. It’s not that they aren’t good enough, Joker.”

“Then what is it?” he asks, helpless.

Batman stares somberly, “It’s that they aren’t  **human**.”


	14. Mr. Freeze ≠ Ice Cream

[Inside the Iceberg Lounge]

**Ivy:**  [from beside Harley] I know that sunlight is vital to plant life, but I am REALLY glad we're out of there.

**Joker:**  [from Harley's other left] Technically, you over-grown weed, we're not OUT of anywhere. [laughs maniacally]

**Ivy:**  [scowls at Joker] That was more of a pun than a joke.

**Joker:**  [gasps, stops laughing, and looks offended]

**Harley:**  [ignores them with practiced ease] Ice cream would be great right now! Can I have vanilla bean?

**Joker:**  [blinks and switches gears with a grin] Ooo~ Yes!

**Ivy:**  [sighs]

[As Harley and Joker turn to look hopefully and expectantly at Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Penguin (who's sitting at the bar) sigh in exasperation.]

**Freeze:**  [gazes back at them deadpan and confused; after a moment of staring at their twin grins, however, he sighs] I do not make ice cream.

**Joker and Harley:**  Awww!

**Ivy:**  [facepalms]


	15. Glitter Bomb Kiss

[Inside the Joker's Ha-Hacienda]

**Joker:**  [sitting on a stool in his study; grumbling] No...

**Harley:**  [peering at him from the doorway] Mista' J'?

**Joker:**  [groans in frustration; crumbles up a paper; tosses it over his shoulder; doesn't laugh or even giggle as it hits Harley; with volatile anger:] What.

**Harley:**  [recovering from the rouge paper ball] Y-you ok?

**Joker:**  [grabs another sheet of paper] Fine.

**Harley:**  [cautiously draws closer] You sure...?

**Joker:**  [growls; draws a line very aggressively] YES.

**Harley:**  [behind him] You don't sound ok... though you do sound pretty sure...

**Joker:**  [sighs and looks over his shoulder at Harley] .................................... [turns back and glares down at the dark line]

**Harley:**  [seeing the silence for what it really is] Talk to me, Puddin'

**Joker:**  ... [doodles a bat hanging from the line]

**Harley:**  [frowns at it] Did ya fight again?

**Joker:**  We're always fighting.

**Harley:**  [nods carefully] Yea but... I mean... [bites her lip unsurely] Did ya... FIGHT-fight? Like, it wasn't foreplay anymore?

**Joker:**  [looks up and stares at her for a long while, very surprised and alarmed; looks back down and elongates the doodle-bat's ears] ... Yea...

**Harley:**  [squints at him] ... Did'ja apologize ta him?

**Joker:**  [snaps his pencil in half; stands abruptly whilst shaking with rage; glares] Why do I have to apologize?! Why am I the one that did wrong?!

**Harley:**  [blinks up at him, completely unperturbed; eerily calm:] Because you're a sociopath that doesn't REALIZE when he does something wrong.

**Joker:**  [blinks; stares; deflates] ... [sits]

**Harley:**  ... [rocks on her heels] Sooo... [looks expectant]

**Joker:**  [groans] The cat kissed him.

**Harley:**  [makes a face]

**Joker:**  [points at it] Exactly. [sighs] So I kissed him.

**Harley:**  [ ~~excited~~  curiously] And?

**Joker:**  [deadpan] He punched me.

**Harley:**  [also deadpan] You like his fist-kiss.

**Joker:**  [flushes; scowls] He didn't punch HER!

**Harley:**  ... [trying not to laugh] So you're jealous.

**Joker:**  [throws his arms up in aggravation] Ugh!

**Harley:**  [nods sagely] Very jealous.

[Harley giggles quietly as Joker glares and seethes.]

**Harley:**  [calmed] So... what happened after he punched you?

**Joker:**  [sulky] He ran away.

**Harley:**  [smiles] Without taking ya to the home-stead?

**Joker:**  ... [looks at her with surprise]

**Harley:**  [smiles wider] Was his face red?

**Joker:**  ... [looks at the doodle-bat with wide eyes]

**Harley:**  [knowing smirk] Aaaaaand how long did it take for him to punch you?

**Joker:**  !!! [jumps up and swipes the aggressively lined paper off the desk; quickly catches it and tacks it up on his wall to join all his other doodle-bats and doodle-batmen as Harley laughs; whirls around to grab her shoulders] HARLEY!

**Harley:**  MISTA' J'! [giggles]

**Joker:**  I HAVE to kiss him again!

**Harley:**  [grins madly] We gotta get his attention again!

**Joker:**  [nods vigorously] Yes! Yes!

**Harley:**  [laughs] Let's blow som'in' up!

**Joker:**  [immediately starts building a bomb] YES!

**Harley:**  [calms; smiles softly] It sha’d do som’in’ pretty; for ya’ kiss.

**Joker:**  [stares at her again; slowly nods and switches gears] Yes...

[And that's how the Harlequin of Gotham City convinced the Clown Prince of Crime to glitter bomb a palliative care wing and bring joy to the children there!]

* * *

 

~~[Epilogue:]~~

**Batman:**  [sighs] Explain this to me again?

**Joker:**  [sulking; covered in glitter; secretly trying not to cry] ...

**Harley:**  [protective; also covered in glitter; glares] We was just try’n’a get a kiss!

**Batman:**  [narrows eyes and sideways glares at Dick]

**Nightwing:**  [blushes]

**Joker:**  ... [sinking deeper] The cat doesn’t have to blow things up...

**Batman:**  [surprised; struck; softens] ... Catwoman and I... are different... [abruptly stops as Joker looks up with hopeful and horrified eyes] ... [swallows] Than we are...

**Joker:**  [sniffs derisively; shrinks in on himself; obviously hurting; somehow manages to look like a kicked  ~~murder~~  puppy] Just take us to the home-stead...

**Harley:**  [glares, upset; hisses:]  _Heroes_  aren’t supposed to be  _heartless_.

[Batman flinches at that. He steps back and looks at Nightwing for help but only finds him looking away, pained; he wants to help Harley but can’t bring himself to go against his  ~~idol~~  father-figure. Batman sighs; Joker isn’t look at anyone.]

**Batman:**  [approaches and kneels by Joker; pauses; gently lifts the clown’s chin]

**Joker:**  [stares back, eyes wet and wanting but wary]

**Batman:**  ... [rubs some of the bomb off with his thumb] ... Glitter suits you.

**Joker:**  Wha-?

[The hospital wing is quiet as Joker gets his kiss.]


	16. He Promised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follow up to _[BatJokes: Promise Me](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/174907896656/batjokes-promise-me)_ ; Joker's not handling his Bat-less weekend too well.

**Harley:**  Mista' J'~ Let's go rob som'in! **  
**

**Joker:**  No point, Har; Batsy won't be there to stop us.

**Harley:**  Then let's plan som'in real big for when 'e gets back!

**Joker:**  What if he's not coming back?

**Harley:**  ... 'e said he would...

**Joker:**  But what if he DOESN'T?

**Harley:**  ... You think 'e might DIE?

**Joker:**  No one chooses to die, Harley—that's suicide. People choose to LEAVE.

**Harley:**  But he ain't GOIN' nowhere, Puddin'! He'll be back Tuesday!

[Harley’s throat constricts as Joker looks back at her lifelessly—despondent. Silence settles in the Ha-Hacienda again; but, this time, Harley fears it will stay.]


	17. The Gotham Fairy

[Inside the Ha-Hacienda]

**Joker** : [dancing] I  **do**  believe in fairies~ I  **do** , I  **do** ~

**Harley** : [surprised and confused] Ya do, Mista’ J’?!

**Joker** : [pauses to raise a brow at her] Well, of course, Harley! I  **am**  one, after all.


	18. Penny the Laughing Fish!

[Inside The Iceberg Lounge]

 **Joker** : [standing gleefully before a podium after wheeling it in] O~ Pengu~!

 **Penguin** : [sighs heavily before turning around to glare at him]  _Yes_ , Joker?

 **Joker** : [grins wide and steps aside, revealing the podium in full; there’s a purple cloth covering the strangely round top which he grandiosely removes] Ta~ Da~!  _Happy Birthday, Pengu_ ~!

 **Penguin** : [stares blankly] ... A Laughing Fish?

 **Joker** : [beams and nods] Your very own!

 **Penguin** : ...  _why_?

 **Joker** : [pauses; blinks; looks between the Laughing Fish (I named her Penny!) and his pal, Pengu the Penguin, with innocent confusion] Don’t birds like fish?

 **Penguin** : ... You expect me to  _eat_  it?

 **Joker** : [hesitant] I thought it’d make a good pet?

 **Penguin** : ... [sniggers] HONK!

 **Joker** : [relaxes] Her name’s Penny; you like her?

 **Penguin** : [approaching the fishbowl on the podium; inspects the grotesquely grinning fish swimming inside; smokes once from his pipe] ... She’s cute.

 **Joker** : [squeals in delight] Happy 77th!

 **Penguin** : ... What?

 **Joker** : [pauses; flushes; laughs nervously] O, sorry: that’s not til’ December! [Joker quickly distracts his old friend by placing the fishbowl in his hold]

 **Penguin** : [just sighs and let’s the crazy clown’s confusion go] Thanks.

[The Pair of Quacks share a smile.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Today* is Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot’s Birthday!!!](https://78.media.tumblr.com/789a3399d02e0540451b581ce9f5512c/tumblr_p7r8rwYbo01t14yc9o6_1280.jpg) I have no idea how old he actually is [therefore I didn’t mention it] and his age probably fluctuates depending on what version anyway; so: I decided to have Joker reference [his debut in December 1941](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penguin_\(character\)), instead! Hope you enjoyed!  
> Also: credit to [](https://tmblr.co/mExnHQm0BwhCwpr9JST7PlQ)[](https://tmblr.co/mExnHQm0BwhCwpr9JST7PlQ)[@a--g--t](https://tmblr.co/mExnHQm0BwhCwpr9JST7PlQ) once again for [this wonderful calendar post](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/173299183270/aprilgtomlinson-dc-calendar) that got me writing again!
> 
> *This was originally posted to my Tumblr on July 26th, 2018


	19. Dirty BatJoke

[Inside the Joker’s Study in his latest Ha-Hacienda]

**Joker** : [at his crafting desk] Needs a bit more gold...

**Harley** : [poking her head in] Wha’cha doin’, Mista’ J’?

**Joker** : [distractedly] A Batsy Plushy.

[The two pause as what he just said sinks in. They look at each other, disturbed.]

**Joker** : [threateningly] You heard nothing.

**Harley** : [backing away slowly] Not a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~[Dies laughing]~~ I’m not even sorry! Bad dirty BatJokes jokes FTW! (♦` ▽´)੭ु⁾⁾ [He’s making a Batman plushy, btb; or a Batman VooDoo doll; I guess they’re the same thing with Joker tho]


	20. (Not) The Only Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before starting, I just want to point out that the event Joker refers to in this script is not canon: he’s actually referring to _Comforting Clowns_ (this work's chapter 15); just to clarify.
> 
>  **Warnings** : Joker _slaps_ Harley; Harley _kicks_ Joker; Harley’s _clingy_ ; Joker’s an _honest ace_ ; There’s hints to Harley/Ivy but this is really NightQuinn and BatJokes and _unhealthy as fizz_ ; There’s a lot of talk from both clowns about how much Joker cares, but it’s still _questionable_. _Strongly advise NOT reading this if you ship HarlIvy_ as Joker bashes that/Ivy a lot in this.
> 
> For those of you that heeded my warning to not read _Comforting Clowns_ , this is the later installment I was talking about.

**Harley** : Mista’ J’?

 **Joker** : [grunts; eyes glued to the distracting television screen]

 **Harley** : Will I eva find true love?

 **Joker** : Of course you will. [sniggers at something on the screen]

 **Harley** : Who’ll it be?

 **Joker** : [opens his mouth to answer; slams it shut milliseconds later; glares] No.

 **Harley** : But Mista’ Jaaaaaaaaaaaay!

 **Joker** : No, Harley. I’m not answering that.

 **Harley** : But you KNOW; why else would you KNOW?

 **Joker** : So I can guide you to him.

 **Harley** : Him? So it’s a guy? [pouts] I thought it’d be Ivy...

 **Joker** : [sighs] Why? She cares so little about you and hates humanity so much that she refuses to even _entertain_ the idea of having children with you.

 **Harley** : [flinches; fidgets]

 **Joker** : She will force you to mother her own PLANTS rather than allow a _disgusting human_ to enter her world and call her _mother nurture_.

 **Harley** : [sinks from the back of the chair to the arm of it, looking down]

 **Joker** : She doesn’t even see you for who you are—all Ivy sees when she looks at you is a pathetic damsel in distress; an abuse victim; someone that she needs to fight for, defend, and protect because you aren’t capable of saving yourself.

 **Harley** : [stares blankly at the television screen; listening with painful intensity]

 **Joker** : Ivy only sees what SHE wants; never what YOU want. [beginning to wonder if he’s saying too much] ... Don’t you deserve better than that?

 **Harley** : ... [quietly] Is it you?

 **Joker** : ... [sighs] No; Harley, I’m not really any better for yo—

 **Harley** : [stands abruptly] How can ya even say that?! [glares tearfully at him] You’re tha only one that neva’ gives up on me! Tha only one that’s always here fo’ me! Tha only one that accepts me fo’ all my faults and sees how good I am!

 **Joker** : Harley...

 **Harley** : NO! It HAS ta be you, Mista’ J’! It has ta be!!!

 **Joker** : [slaps her; hisses] **No** ; it **doesn’ _t_**.

 **Harley** : [shrinks back]

 **Joker** : I will _not_ be the only man that supports you; I will _not_ be the only man that thinks you’re strong and smart and super; I will _not_ be the only man that thinks you’re brave and brilliant and bold; I will _not_ be the only man that cares for you.

 **Harley** : [crying silently]

 **Joker** : There will be a man in so many years that will respect you more than I do that will care for you more than I do that will encourage you more than I do.

 **Harley** : [shakes her head in denial]

 **Joker** : [nods mockingly, his grin wide] Yes~ Harley~ He’ll love you more than I~

 **Harley** : NO! [kicks Joker off the chair]

 **Joker** : [lands in a laughing heap]

 **Harley** : There’s neveh—[sobs]

 **Joker** : Ha Ha Harley!

 **Harley** : There’s never gonna be any man but you!!!

[Joker laughs louder as Harley runs away; her bedroom door (Which she never really uses—always wanting to sleep with me.) slams hard behind her; echoing.]

 **Joker** : [slowly calming] There will be, Harley. [chuckles] There will be.

[As he stands, Joker grabs the remote and begins flipping through the news stations, grinning widely when he finds coverage of a certain dynamic duo.]

 **Joker** : [staring at the first, 18 year old Robin] I just need to [shoot his shoulder](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/169680477440/panels-of-interest-batman-vs-nightwing-from)~!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t mind me; just hashing out some weird theories. In case it wasn’t clear: Joker’s talking about Nightwing whom I ship with Harley Quinn [hence the link to how Nightwing came about]. And, yes, this was meant to be incredibly messed up; I mean, it’s Harley and Joker, after all.


	21. Shipping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair **warnings** : This is **one of the most RIDICULOUS DC/Scooby-Doo crossovers EVER**! This oneshot script [... onescript? scriptshot? idk] also features [my _Joking Mirrors_ headcanon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16611794/chapters/38936156), a very enthusiastically **fangirling Joker** , and two of my favorite _Scooby-Doo!_ ships/pairings.

[Harley jumps in fright and turns around, wide-eyed, after hearing Joker squeal.]

 **Harley** : Mista’ J’?!

 **Joker** : [giddily clapping] Yes!

 **Harley** : [rushes to her puddin’s side, worried] Wha’ happened!?

 **Joker** : [glances up at Harley incredulously before grinning widely] It’s canon!

 **Harley** : [raises a confused brow] What is?

 **Joker** : [points enthusiastically at the black screen before him] My ships!

[Harley stares at the off television with a bemused expression before slowly turning to gaze at the enthused Joker. She slowly nods as comprehension dons.]

 **Harley** : Another Joker is letting you watch his TV, ain’t he?

 **Joker** : [turns back to the screen that, as far as Harley can see, only shows HIM] _Be Cool, Scooby-Doo_ totally supports Daphelma and Freggy! It’s so cool!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I have no idea which Joker is lending their TV to the BtAS!Joker/Looney. >>;;;;


	22. Catty

[On a rooftop in Gotham City]

**Catwoman** : [after putting up with the Joker rambling about the Bat for 5 minutes] God, if you’re that thirsty for him, why don’t you go at him with a giant STRAW?

**Joker** : [stops talking and stares tensely at the Cat; slowly breaks into a sick grin] You know what? I think I will~ [begins walking off the roof while laughing loudly]

**Catwoman** : [gapes: at the man walking off the roof, at the man’s eerie laugh, at the fact that her snide joke at the man’s expense was taken as ADVICE instead] ... Does he have infinite lives or just lands on his feet more than I do???

[This is how Catwoman and the Joker end up in a stalemate over who’s cattier. It’s also how Batman ends up stuck inside the Joker’s giant vanilla milkshake. And, for those wondering, Nightwing had to help cut the Bat out of the straw because Robin was too busy laughing at all the kiss marks staining his cowl.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xD I was actually thinking about that moment [Catwoman outs Joker’s love for Batsy in _New 52_](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/178216314905/joker-ka-catwoman-14-youre-the-one-in-love) while writing this oddity; I was also thinking about a conversation I had with another BatJokes shipper about how “thirsty” Lament/Snyder’s Joker is after they read _[Joking Mirrors 9](https://esculentevil.tumblr.com/post/176905276759/joking-mirrors-9)_ and said that it made perfect sense that Lament/Snyder’s would be the first to suggest eating Batsy. xD


	23. The Grave Ship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random thought that occurred to me while watching a play-through of Arkham Asylum.

**Joker** : You know what I just realized?

**Harley** : What’s that, Mista’ J’?

**Joker** : [pointing lazily at Harley] Your name is only a few letters off Sharpie’s.

**Harley** : [blinks] You mean...? [thinks about it; gasps; snaps her fingers; grins] My name really IS close to Quincy!

**Joker** : [smiles at her for getting it] Both of them are! Harley and Quinn—HA!

**Harley** : [cackles] It’s like our ship name!!!

[Joker and Harley laughed themselves silly that day. Quincy Sharp, however, only shivered and, for hours, felt like some clowns were partying on his grave.]


End file.
